Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

I think my mom just blocked me

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.