Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

Stop blaming yourself for everything. Learn Feng Shui and blame the fucking furniture

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

A tragic love story in two pictures.

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*