Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.