Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

Des Moines Police having a normal one

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

I’m aging like a fine banana

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

the rocks need my help

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal