Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?