Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in