Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.