Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left