Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

This is my emotional support knife.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?