Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

My life coach traded me.

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes