Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

This could be us… but you playing

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.