Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
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using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
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The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
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I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
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Why did Adele cross the road?
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