Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
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[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing