@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

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@envydatropic

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

@Shock_Monster

Canadians like to brag about getting all four seasons:

Winter
Almost Winter
After Winter
Not Winter

@ianpauldukes

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

@mllebeckyrose

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

@neledmax

You said you were only adding your 2 cents but it seems more like your life savings.

@DudeMass

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

@DeronH

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me “Where were you between four and six?” I replied, “Kindergarden”

@akatinamarie

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

@TwinSurvivalist

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!