@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

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@notfaizzy

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

@TomSchally

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

@LittleMissAngr1

Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!

Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen

@BlindChow

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

@mamabirddiaries

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

@SharkJelly

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

@woodmuffin

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him ūüôĀ

@MissNaughty1801

Him: you are correcting my every word for the last six years of our marriage

Me: for the last 7 years

@Elizasoul80

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.