“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Watson was Holmes schooled
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.