Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!