The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
What number SPF blocks people?
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Monica just destroyed the internet
Siri: Retweet me.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one