Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
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Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*