Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

Warm pools make me nervous.

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.