Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
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her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
When I said I liked it rough.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?