Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
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And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out