Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
You Might Also Like
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
[screaming into the void]
MARCO