Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
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In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
i wonder why they stopped looking
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.