Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
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ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Give us this day our daily internet validation
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”