Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

“I need a synonym for equivalence.”

“Synonym.”

“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”

“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine