Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.