[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
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Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
very niche meme I made
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
👍
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.