Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

THE AUDACITY. 😤

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot