[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
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My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I鈥檓 just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she鈥檚 still on Facebook so what does she know.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Duck typos.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Motel 6: We鈥檒l leave the light on for you.
Motel 6鈥檚 Dad: What am I, made of money?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Where鈥檚 the lie? 馃ぃ馃ぃ
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I dunno when it stopped, but I鈥檓 kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.