Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos