Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
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The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.