Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
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Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
According to math, I’m broke
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?