Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.