Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries.
*puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box*
*eats 12 donuts*
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
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Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
You said that
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[sees girl reading The Bible]
“Ah I love that book. The way they just *clenches fist* buy all those frickin bulls.”