TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
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JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol