@EliTerry

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

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@MartaEffing

Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries.
Me:
*goes home*
*puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box*
*eats 12 donuts*

@Goofpoops

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

@Elifcello

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

@Darlainky

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

@crocodilethumbs

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

@squirrel74wkgn

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

@SteveMathew_

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

@ibid78

[sees girl reading The Bible]
“Ah I love that book. The way they just *clenches fist* buy all those frickin bulls.”