Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
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this is the greatest thing ever
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around
[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
date: yeah love dogs, omg my ex had a snake, freaked me out, can you imagine being in bed hearing hissing and-
Medusa: *adjusts large hat* HAHA TOTALLY LMAO hey do you like 🎶THE SINGING GAME we just sing loud it’s not to cover up the sound of 🎶ANYTHING
There are 3 certainties in life
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.
[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.