@EliTerry

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

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@ThugRaccoons

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

@nbadag

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

@mattselman

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

@EllaZee5

date: yeah love dogs, omg my ex had a snake, freaked me out, can you imagine being in bed hearing hissing and-

Medusa: *adjusts large hat* HAHA TOTALLY LMAO hey do you like 🎶THE SINGING GAME we just sing loud it’s not to cover up the sound of 🎶ANYTHING

@mom_ontherocks

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

@mrjohndarby

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

@ScaryMommy

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

@Chay_Raghu

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.

[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]