Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

lmao

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!