Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Discuss

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Seems kinda suspicious

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Worst Native American name ever.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.