Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun