Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Ok, but like, how married are you?

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

Dumple

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex