Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.