Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

Day 2 of my diet

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that