Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

What even happened today?

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.