Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

everyone has that one prude friend

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]