Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

☠️☠️☠️

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.