Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*