Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

*files a restraining order against reality*

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

I will never stop laughing at this

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now