Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

eggs benadryl

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

Where is your GOD now????

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

Thursday Thought.

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.