Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.