Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day