Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please