Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Who knew!

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now