Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.