Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

just got my engagement photos

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.