Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

This one never gets the credit it deserves

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor