Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

😅😅😅

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

Florida be like…

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.