Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
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I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I get distracted pretty eas
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*