Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

I’ve been learning to cook.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.