Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here