Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.