Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month