Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
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me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.