@daemonic3

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

You Might Also Like

@notacroc

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

@TheBoydP

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

@o__0Dev

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

@markleggett

I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.

@NotJPo

Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.

@notalogin

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

@Jandalize

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

@michaelianblack

Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.

@GroperCleveland

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.