Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
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Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.
Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.