Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
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Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
#Caturday
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine