Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
me adding lol on a serious message
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
how it started vs how it ended
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
