Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

23. the denim jacket

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.