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My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
😾
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.