#TopTip
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(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
“Sheer Arrogance”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
don’t be scared
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
