Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
✨☝️✨
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired