Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
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NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.