Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
You Might Also Like
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Did I do this right
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?