Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

They also CAN sing✌️

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.