Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
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maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Good morning
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.