Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
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Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING