*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
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Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Meanwhile in Portland…
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Based Erika
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.