Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.