Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

new year update: losing everything but weight

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.