Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

🤣🤣

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

be safe out there!

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.