Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

Software Development ⛵️

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.