[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
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Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
U talkin 2 me?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
is this store having a stroke wtf
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Jokes on them. I took 10.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security