Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today