Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

I feel seen.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.