Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These are too funny not to post 😂

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

kevin is now a local weatherman

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.