Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

going to bed

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”